Love/Work
Would’ve came back for you
I just needed time, to do what I had to do
Caught in the life, I can’t let it go
Whether that’s right, I will never know
Hope you forgive me, never meant wrong
Tried to be patient, it waited too long
But I would’ve came back, would’ve came back for you
- Drake, “Paris Morton Music” (2010)
Stop me if you heard this before…
“I want to be with you, but I’m focused on my career right now”
It is said that men avoid commitment and they use their career as an excuse. Well being a man who has done the former and has been accused of the latter, I am here to tell you… don’t believe everything that you hear.
Five years ago I decided to start my own company. My business, especially in the beginning, consumed me. So much so that it became a large part of whom I was. The last thing on my mind at that time was a relationship. And because of that, I’ve allowed some pretty special women to walk into and out of my life. But it wasn’t because I was scared to commit but the complete opposite, I was committed to something other than you.
A good relationship takes a significant amount of time and effort. Similarly, high career aspirations also require the same. And as long as there are only 24 hours in a day, something has to give. Sure, any man can say, “yes” to a relationship but what is the point, if you know that you can’t hold up your end of the deal? A woman can be patient and understanding but how long can you take being the #2 priority? Will you be able to ignore all the Blackberry interruptions or accept having an emergency cancel a date? Eventually you will complain to him about how he’s never around and blame him for the relationship falling apart.
You can’t say that you want a man with ambition and then criticize his ambitious efforts.
Its not that we don’t want to be with you, its that we know it won’t work out and would rather avoid being the villain. We know that because our career must come first, it’s simply not fair to drag you down that road – even if it means losing you. A selfish man would try to have both and guilt you into staying in an unfulfilling relationship. A good man is brave enough to make a choice and won’t accept a woman’s heart until he’s ready to take care of it. The best thing that a busy man can say to a woman is, “I’m not ready.”
Choosing this path is a painful process because you are never sure if you are making the right decision. You constantly go back and forth, doubting your choice. There’s nothing harder than watching the woman you care about cry in your arms because she can’t understand why you can’t be together. It’s impossible to explain that you will be able to give her everything as soon as you reach your goals and get stability. Sadly, you have no idea when that moment will come and if she will still be around when it does.
So the next time you hear a man say this to you, please don’t jump to conclusions and assume that he is just looking for excuses to be promiscuous. Instead try to understand his point of view and recognize his painful dilemma. It’s not easy to walk down a dark path towards a door that you may never find. It’s even harder when you know that you’re leaving a beautiful sunshine behind you. But if you want to achieve your dreams, you have to put your head down, stay focused and work hard. And hopefully when it all works out, you’ll be able to come back to her.
And to those who have heard those words from me and were too skeptical to wait,
I would have came back for you, too.
If you look at a relationship as a journey instead of a destination, you will see that committing to a partner entails all of the above. For one to wait until they have enough time and energy for a relationship ,in my eyes, means a person doesn't think the union is strong enough to withstand adversity (or, is not willing to risk success for the love of the other person). Love is love, it can make a successful entrepreneur even stronger and more powerful. JUSHH, there is strength and power in numbers. When you find the right person you want to share your complete world with, good times and struggles, you won't imagine doing anything without them ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
I'm going to agree with this anonymous person up top. It says a lot to be able to walk away from a relationship knowing she is right for you. It says even more to make the time for her while you grind your shit out...
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ReplyDeleteThere is soooo much I can write regarding your blog, but I will try to keep it short and to the point. As always, great post J!
ReplyDeletePlease note that when I refer to "You" I am referring to the career oriented men who think the way you describe in your post.
I find it commendable that you would want to let someone go instead of ‘dragging them along’ while you sort through your life and work out all of the kinks. I have noticed that a growing number of men find it important to have their 'ish together financially before 'settling down.' Theoretically it sounds great. Men have been historically seen as the bread-winner, the head of the household, the person that takes care of those that depend on him (his lady and children). Therefore it makes some sense to stay focused on his career towards the beginning of it to be able to provide for his family in the future.
In response to this: “You can’t say that you want a man with ambition and then criticize his ambitious efforts,” I would never criticize the efforts of an ambitious man. Those men are hard to come by! However, the problem I find with this one-track mindedness is that it seems like you will never be able to juggle all of the balls being thrown your way. That is what we criticize. When you finally make it to the end of this “dark path” which one hopes leads to financial freedom, and you finally get into a relationship with someone, the struggles do not just disappear. They can in fact multiply. If you decide to get married, own a home, have children, purchase some pets, etc, what if the roof caves in because of a leak, you find out you have a terminal illness, or a recession hits and slows down your source of income...what then? Do you bail out on the woman and family in your life so that you can get yourself back on the "right" track? Or do you learn how to juggle all of these extra balls life just slammed into your face?
It seems like women, now-a-days, or even way back when, have to be/have been superwomen and take on tons of responsibilities all at the same time. Some women work full-time jobs, go home to cook, clean, take care of their children, help them study, bathe and get them to bed, take care of their men by performing their womanly requirements and then they have to get up the next morning with a smile on their face, breakfast on the table and take on the world all over again. I have similar characteristics with Women between the ages of 17 and 50+. On the other hand, "Men" between the ages of 25 and sometimes 37+ can't work on getting their career up and running while showing love and affection to the person that loves them?! Pardon my French, but get the F*CK outta here! I just don't get it. I kind of would almost prefer to be told you haven't been around the block enough times and need to sleep with more women. Truth be told, if you can't juggle a relationship and the job/career now, how can I be so sure you're not going to run away with your tail between your legs when the shit really hits the fan? Otherwise, just tell me you just don’t love me enough, because that is surely what it’s going to seem like when 7 months after you break up with me, you’ve finally “made it” and you end up marrying some random female who just came into your life. It’s funny how the world works! At that point, I will look back and think… “oh wow, he was cheating on me with this chickenhead all along.” Spare us the heart-ache, tears, time we will never get back, emotional and mental stress and break-it off within the first couple of months if you know you cannot make us #1 or even #1.5 on your list. Also spare the next man that is ready to settle down, the struggles he will have to endure because now you have caused one good girl to think every man is the same.
…to be continued…
…continued…
ReplyDeleteYou ask, “Will you be able to ignore all the Blackberry interruptions or accept having an emergency cancel a date?” I would think that most successful, worth-your-while, women would answer “Yes” because we have lives too and may sometimes need to cancel a date or two. But does that mean every single date needs to be cancelled for a year or two because of business? No, those are one-off situations. Not very many people cancel a dinner and movie (which usually takes place at night and/or on the weekend) because something came up in the office…Catch my drift?
Here are a couple of rhetorical questions that come to mind after reading your post. Why not grow with someone by your side? Someone who loves you and will support you through the highs and lows while you are getting your career off the ground? Why not experience the ups and downs with someone that will be there for you through it all instead of running around sleeping with every chic that comes your way? Once you do make it "big", how much more difficult is it going to be to find someone that wants you for who you are and not what you have/own/are about to purchase? Lastly, when is enough, enough (i.e., when you “make it” to the first prong on this ladder of success you have defined for yourself, are you going to walk away from the next sunshine because you have to get to the next prong?)?
I think all of the above comments sound good logically. I don't think emotion and logic often coincide.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds good to say "make it work" or "find someone who is willing to support" you, but when those dates do get canceled or he has to leave town abruptly or she is looking towards a family when it really isn't feasible, what happens then?
I do believe that for most men it's a complete cop out. I think, in a few select cases, there are some careers that are truly that time consuming (or there's such an abundance of females forever surrounding you that, to be honest, commitment would be a lie, but name a chick that is really cool hearing that). Shout out to superwomen, but we're not talking about taking care of a job and family. We're talking about starting a business from the ground up, which is a bit different. The women I know that have started their own businesses have had problems with "needy" men, have gotten lots of help from family members in terms of raising kids, found men that are equally as busy, or their business ventures haven't been successful.
Now, I think the hardest part as a "good" guy is to know the difference between truly being that busy and unnecessarily passing on a good relationship. Do you really think she can't handle you being that busy or are you not giving her the opportunity to try by making a decision for her? Is it impossible to make her a priority or would you rather spend the free time that you have doing something else?
Who's more worried about you letting her down - her or you? And are you sure that you'll let her down strictly because you're that busy or are there other personal issues holding you back?
You made some valid points Just K. Thanks for reading my comments.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to your statement, "We're talking about starting a business from the ground up, which is a bit different." Where do you leave men that start businesses when they are already married and/or have already established a family and decide to start a business venture. I may be completely wrong here, but I'm assuming not every successful / millionaire entrepreneur started their business ventures while being single. Did the married men just drop everything to focus on their blooming career? Or did they multi-task and learn how to deal with both? Or where they already at a level of maturity that allowed them to handle both?
When you are between 25 and 32 let's say, I think that the real reason may not necessarily and/or always be about starting your business, it mayyyy be about not being able to commit or just simply not wanting to be with the person you are with.
Gotta run ...
Whaddup Freeminds? I do enjoy your commentary whenever you happen to drop by and bless this page.
ReplyDeleteWell, when certain bonds are already formed, it's possible you're probably a little more comfortable requesting that important people in your life make certain sacrifices in order for your idea to succeed. And I'll agree that it does take a certain wisdom and maturity to balance family/relationships & business. Not everyone has it and it takes longer for some to acquire it than others. I don't think it says anything negative about those who just aren't there yet, but it does say something interesting about the fact that they don't want to give a relationship a "test run." Call it noble or call it overly cautious. Either way, the person has a genuine fear that he won't be able to work, and I think that's the more intriguing matter at hand.
As an ambitious woman and entrepreneur who is married to an ambitious man and entrepreneur- the key has always been that we both get it!
ReplyDeleteWhen I started dating my husband he was working full-time and managing a full-time business. He did not have tons of time for me but that was okay because I didn't have tons of time for him either. I was studying for the LSAT, filling out law school applications and holding down a full-time job myself. I would help him with his business (I remember helping him pick out cabinets and then spending the weekend installing them together) and I would explain legal concepts to him as a way to test my memory and see if I really understood it. We found ways to be assets to each other rather than liabilities.
So my advice to the ambitious who are looking for love is to find someone as ambitious as you who wants to be a team player and has a "can do" attitude. That is the key!