BREAKING NEWS!!

Tiger Speaks!

Tiger spent 13 minutes addressing the world after disappearing for 3 months when the world found out he cheated on his wife.  He apologized a million times, re-converted back to Buddhism and said that he’s checking back into rehab.  As you know Tiger has a real strong PR team and they helped him with the speech.  Well here at Straight from the Pen, we got our hands on Tiger’s 1^st draft.  This is amazing stuff!

Good morning ladies and gentlemen.  I know a lot of you have been wondering what I have been up to these past 3 months since the incident around Thanksgiving.  Normally I would say kiss my a--, its none of your f---ing business but I got a few sponsorships pending and frankly I’m trying to get this paper.

Truthfully, you people make me sick.  Yeah I cheated but lets not act like all of you are perfect and have perfect marriages.  As I’m speaking to the country, I’m sure half of y’all cheated on someone just last night.  I grew up sheltered playing golf since I was 3.  All I did was play golf and study.  You think that got me girls in High School? Huh?  You think it’s easy to try and get a date with a 9-iron?  No its not. But when I showed up in that dubbed out buggy, their memory got fuzzy.  If you know what that girl in NY said she would do, trust me you would have been all over that too. Ever had a five-some? Well I did! Twice!

Okay I’ll take responsibility for one thing.  That voicemail thing was my bad.  That was early in my playa days and I tightened up my skills since then. Something like that will never happen again. My man Chris handles my "personal calendar" now.  My wife and I are gonna handle our situation and determine what we are going to do as a family.  And you know why?  Because half of a billion dollars is a lot of f---ing money!  So don’t ask me or my wife any questions because that’s our business.

And to all those golfers who took shots at me, kiss my a--.  First of all, I passed half my girls off to y’all after that tournament in Dubai and I didn’t hear any complaints then.  Y’all just mad that I’m better than you, richer than you and if I don’t play, y’all can’t eat.  So I’m gonna return to golf when the hell I feel like it.  Enjoy getting beat out in the ratings by M.A.S.H. reruns.

So there, you heard from me, happy now?  Now let me get back to my mansion and play this Wii –er, I mean go back to rehab.

Peace b--ches!